Opposing Sides
by The Can-Can group
Summary: Introducing a crackfic based on Kids Next Door. On the other side, people are different. So different that it makes Ed cry like a little girl and Roy gayer than anything. Join us as we discover the road to friendship! DISCONTINUED!


Disclaimie:

When am I going to just say "Disclaimer"?

Opposing Sides

Concept by: Hieidory and Hareno (both found on Deviantart)

Written by: The Can-Can group

Chapter One: The Chastity Belt

(Please note it is only their personalities that are opposite, not their physical appearances. It would be counterproductive to change their appearances.)

W/N: Hieidory was talking about "Codename: Kids Next Door" on the bus- more specifically, the episode where the KND meets the Nega-KND. She went on to talk about how her sister (Hareno) and herself were discussing what the FMA charas' nega-versions would be like. This is the result…

0000

An old man was found in the Lab Five rubble. Apparently, he had survived from an air pocket he had found and lived off of mice and rats that would happen across him. The investigators were stunned that such an old man could survive without water for several months on end and started to do experiments on him, hoping to find the logic behind the innocent man who shouldn't have been there in the first place.

However, due to time constraints we shall be ignoring him and getting on with the story…

Now Roy Mustang was not ashamed of his inhabitations, in fact he was quite proud of them, especially his ability/gift of seeing all the female soldiers and officers wearing mini-skirts. Even better was a female solider in a miniskirt holding a gun towards him. _Fine_, he would admit to only himself, _I'm a masochist. It's such a turn on to see a woman with a gun in her hands and threatening to shoot my head off_. Outwardly, he'd say, "No, I'm a sadist and hearing the cries of pain makes me laugh, now get back to work!"

Nevertheless, this is not important to the plot of this simple-minded story.

The one thing he would never admit to enjoying is seeing Edward Elric squirm like the little teen that he is. And antagonizing him, that was fun too.

"… Moreover, because of you, Lab Five is blown up and several dangerous criminals has escaped," Roy grinned mentally as Edward glared back with enough hatred to kill an elephant. "Further more, you completely missed my birthday."

"WHAT IN THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING!" Miles away, Winry looked up from the Auto mail stomach she was rigging up (for a man who had lost his in a freak accident), shook her head in wonderment, and went back to work. "I was rather busy trying to not get killed by the bastard Homunculi and- are you even listening to me?"

Roy put down the report that he had forgotten to read that morning. "Did I ask for excuses?" Ed responded with a few choice words. "Hawkeye discreetly gave me a present with your name attached to it, I will not have my subordinates doing such things. Next time, make sure that you show up!"

(A year later, Ed sent a present through the mail. The Colonel was not pleased to receive a souvenir matchbox from Aerugo.)

Ed's eye twitched. His one vacation for that year was all ready being ruined. Al had been saying that a vacation would do him good and they both agreed to leave work where it belongs, at work. However, the Colonel had asked for him and started to chew him out over several things from the past year. This vacation was looking to be a very long and an unvacation-y affair. He forced himself to calm down; least he transmutes something into a deathtrap with Roy's name written all over it. "What is it that you called me here for?"

Roy tossed the manila folder in front of the young alchemist and waited as the teen read through it. "The thing about the old man is unimportant. The rest-"

"You mean the hole they found?"

"Yes. Don't interrupt me again," Roy gave a reprimanding look as Ed glared back. "It seems like someone had crawled out from there and is now roaming around the area."

Ed leaned back into the wooden chair he was sitting in and crossed his arms. "Let me guess. You want me to find him and bring him back." Statement, most certainly not a question.

Roy smiled a smile that made him look like a Suzie-homemaker and clasped his hands together. "Would you? Would you really be such a doll and do that for little all me?" His smiled rivaled that of Armstrong. Hell, even the sparkles were more numerous and brighter than that of the Strong Arm Alchemist.

Ed was most not impressed by the display. He of course voiced this. "Why should I give a damn? Why don't you go out and bring him in?"

"Well," Roy got up, walked over to a conveniently placed rope, and pulled. The curtains behind him swung open allowing the stacks of papers to topple over and land everywhere. "As you can see… I'm rather behind on my work-"

"YOU THINK?"

"-And as such, Miss Hawkeye will have my hide if I don't get this completed soon."

Ed blinked. He wasn't sure if the Colonel was being serious (he called her "Miss Hawkeye!") or if he was just joking in order to get out of having to do physical work. With the Colonel, anything was possible…

"Fine, I'll get your stupid missing person," Ed sulked. "Just as long as you promise that this is going to be all and I can get back to my vacation."

"Scout's honor!" Ed didn't see the crossed fingers behind Roy's back and thusly didn't know that he was making the promise void if anything were to happen that would require Ed's services. "Now, why don't you skee-daddle…" He made shooing motions with his hands, no doubt completely unprofessional, as Ed got up with a glare and left the room.

Roy grinned full out, as he went back to his desk—side stepping the settled papers—and pulled out the latest issues to one of his favorite magazines. Yes, Roy has indiscretions, and yes, he was way beyond proud of them.

……

There was no surprise that Ed would arrive at the hotel room with the slam of the door. It was such a regular occurrence that Al hardly flinched when his metallic body rattled along with the room and the frame of the entire hotel. "Brother?" He glanced up cautiously. The slam could've meant one of two things; the first was that Ed was excited about something and couldn't wait to tell his little brother, or Mustang had pissed him off, again.

Judged by the loud stomps, it was the latter of the two.

"I'm gonna kill that bastard!" Ed shouted as he entered the hotel room. Quickly he entered his pacing mode, walking back and forth, all the while shouting obscenities at the top of his lungs. "He's just asking for it! Damn him! I'm gonna," _rant, rant, rant_, "And then I'm gonna," _yell, yell, yell_, "And finally I'm going to," _shout, shout, shout_.

Al watched nervously as Ed gave out one last shout before forcing himself to calm down by clenching and unclenching his hands. "Brother-?"

"I need your help," Ed didn't give his brother a chance to say anything. "This is a two person job and I'm only one."

"But-!"

The older brother grabbed the younger's metallic arm and proceeded to drag him through the doorway. "Need to find someone."

"But-!"

Ed paused in his walking to pull out a folder from out of nowhere. He opened it up and took out a picture. "This is the one we're looking for."

If Al had a real face, he'd be frowning towards his brother as he took the picture out of Ed's hand. He glanced at the picture for a split second before quickly looking back up at his brother. "Wait! She looks just like-"

Ed nodded in agreement. "That's what I thought too, but there's something different about her. I just can't place my finger on it though."

Al wordlessly hand the picture back to his brother, who then placed it back into the folder and pocketed it. "Where-?"

"The last place they saw her was near the Central Library," The great thing, Al decided then and there, about being brothers with Edward Elric is that you don't need to even complete a sentence before he is all ready formulating the answer. "Hopefully she's still inside, that way we can cut off her escape routes."

Al seemed to stare at Ed with the red, almost demonic eyes. "There are more than two exits. What about the windows?"

Ed blinked before shrugging and began the trek again. Al's heavy footsteps fell into stride with him. "We could always warp the metal of the locks so that they won't be able to open."

"Won't the library get mad?"

Another shrug. "Probably."

Al sighed. "I thought you were a better planner than this."

Ed didn't make a reply and wordlessly walked down the rickety steps, ignoring the way the wood seemed to cringe and groan as his brother's metallic body put weight onto it. Why would the library get mad at him anyway? He was one of the few that came close to reading all the books in the institute—aside from Scieszka—they wouldn't get too mad if he decided to change a few things around.

… Would they?

People avoided them as they marched to the library. For the most part, they were jumping out of the way from seeing the angry and murderous look on Ed's face. Everyone of Central has heard about the easily irate alchemist and his legendary violent reactions. It was quickly learned by the people to be as far from him when he's sporting that particular look on his face as possible. Bad things generally happened when you don't.

They arrived at the Central Library soon enough. Ed finally calmed down enough to come up with a good enough plan and Al thinking uncharacteristic thoughts of hurting Mustang. To which he mentally apologized for thinking such thoughts.

"Okay," Ed said upon entering the doors of the Library. "I'll go ask around and see if someone has spotted our fugitive. What I want you to do is block the entrances and exits and see about getting people out of here."

Al nodded in understanding. "Okay." When Ed began walking towards the receptionist, Al mumbled, "Some plan. Exactly what he had said earlier."

"I heard that!" Ed threw over his shoulder before continuing his conversation with the receptionist.

Al sighed with dejection. "I'll get to work…" Slowly he asked people in his "I'm too cute!" voice for them to leave the area as they conclude their investigation. People blushed with little pink hearts in their eyes as they consented and left thinking that there's always tomorrow to finish up the report that was due that day. Once they were out of the area, Al transmuted the locks of windows and doors so that they became too warped to allow anything to budge.

Ed walked up next his younger brother whistling. "What a damn good job."

Al stared. "Flattery gets you nowhere, brother."

The blond sighed. "Yeah, if it did, Mustang would be the one here and not us."

"The suspect?"

"In the reference section. Apparently, she's been reading geographic books."

"I left the back door open, shall I go to position?"

"Yeah, I'll have her flushed out in a minute."

Al nodded and headed towards the back. He placed himself in a spot that he knew that wouldn't be seen unless you were looking for it. And he waited.

…And waited.

…And waited.

"That's definitely more than one minute…" As soon as the words left his lips, a woman with long, black hair ran out of the backdoor looking slightly frightened. Behind her, Ed came barreling through, waving his arms, and commanding Al to catch her.

Al quickly jumped from behind the tree (his hiding spot) and grabbed the woman in a firm, but slightly loose so to not hurt her, grasp. Without struggling, the woman sighed and didn't fight to get out of the metallic hold. "I've got her!" Alphonse seemed to smile with pride towards his brother. "Now what?" He asked once Ed stopped in front of the two.

"We drop her off at Headquarters," Ed turned his attention to the woman with a glare all ready in place. The familiar woman shrank away from the look on the blonde's face. "But first, I want to know why you look exactly like Lust."

The woman, who could be described as Lust's twin down to the Jessica Rabbit look (which no one knew about since she's from a movie… that wouldn't be made for another seventy years… on the other side of the gate… and was a cartoon character from the very first cartoon/real life hybrid movie…), looked up in surprise. "You know about my opposite? Oh, this is wonderful! The Fürher won't yell at me for being weak anymore! I can have her pretend to…" She trailed off there before noticing the confused looks of the two brothers. "Can you tell me where Lusty is?"

"Uh…" Ed's attention had strayed from the woman and landed on the way that the Lust-lookalike's oversized breasts seemed to squish themselves together. "Um…" Something told the teen that she wasn't doing it on purpose though. She had that "I'm a horny, oversexed, but naïve and innocent girl, oh, and my daddy has his rifle loaded and ready for when you meet him" vibe coming from her. Shaking his head, Ed turned the glare back on to full force. "Who are you?"

The woman blinked. "Bring me to Lust and I'll tell you." She gave him a shy smile.

Ed, not impressed, gave her an incredulous stare. "Riiight… I'll do that." After he gives her to Mustang to deal with…

The woman smiled with glee. "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! When can I see her?"

"Uhh… After we… um… get you rested?" Ed mentally crossed his fingers, hoping that she agrees.

"Okay!"

Edward grinned. "Right-o! Let's get her to Headquarters."

Al nodded. Picking up the woman (who squealed with delight), he followed his brother to the headquarters of the entire military.

Upon arrival of said building, Ed had Al drop the woman off in a private interrogation cell before running off to Roy's office. "I've got your damned runaway!" He shouted barging in.

Roy looked up from his (tenth) magazine in surprised. "All ready? I mean…" He stuffed the magazine into one of the drawers, hoping that the Fullmetal didn't notice it. "Good job. I trust she's in custody."

Ed ignored the patronizing question-turned-statement and gave one sharp nod. "In the private cell."

"Would you like to join in the questioning?"

Ed gave a shrug. Roy was sure, if his Edwardese was correct, that it was a "Sure, why the hell not" shrug. "But shouldn't you finish up the paperwork first?" Ed gave a pointed look to the papers Roy was sidestepping, again. "Hawkeye's going to be click happy when she finds out…" The teen gave a grin at the thought.

"She wouldn't do that," Roy replied. "Hawkeye loves me too much to shot my head off."

Murphy, being the law that he is, just loves surprises and messing with people's lives, so, just as Roy started the sentence, the said woman entered the room. "Hardly," Hawkeye glared at the mess of papers on the floor. "If anything, I'd just love to shot your head off."

Ed took his cue to leave when he saw the Lieutenant Colonel pale. "I'll met you down there," he said, giving a nod to the now frightened Roy and gave another to Hawkeye. "Don't be too late." Edward closed the door softly behind him, laughing when he heard sounds of arguing and gunshots.

The Fullmetal made his way to the holding cells, where he met up with his brother outside of the room containing the woman.

"Has she said anything yet?" Edward asked Al.

Al's helmet shook side to side. "Not yet. I think she's upset that you lied to her."

"Hey! Don't put all the blame on me! You didn't say a thing to stop me."

Al released an exasperated sigh. "Just go in there and apologize."

Ed complied, albeit with much grumbling about disrespectful little brothers.

The Lust-twin looked up with a heartbroken look when Ed walked in. "Did I do something wrong?" She asked.

Ed absently wondered if she knew that she was using puppy dog eyes and a child-like pout. "No. Its just that-"

"You came through a hole in the ground and ran away from the military," Roy walked in, interrupting the conversation. "We generally don't like it when people runaway from us…"

The woman looked down, looking slightly stung by the harsh truth of Roy's words. Angrily, Ed turned to Roy, his scowl in place. "Some lady-killer you are! You're going to make her cry."

"No…" the woman let out a lone tear. "He's right. I panicked and ran away," She brought her head up, her face looking sad and guilty. "But you didn't have to order your men to shoot me!"

"SHOOT HER?" Ed's closed fist suggested that he was close to punching the living daylights out of the Colonel.

"Shouldn't have made those threats," Roy retorted with a snort.

Confusion flittered onto the woman's face. "All I said was 'Hey! Can you tell me where Lust is?' and 'Wait! Please don't kill me!'"

Roy blinked. "That's odd… Could've sworn you said, 'Screw y'all! Tell me where the gold is or I'll blow this city sky high!'"

Edward slammed his hands onto the wooden table, coming close to snapping it into two with his right arm. "Who cares about who said what. I wanna know just who in the hell are you?"

The woman blinked. "I'm Chastity." Edward made a gurgling noise. It just figures that she would have such a name. This goes back to the "look, but don't touch," reference from earlier. Ed knew he should've seen that name coming from a few thousand miles away.

Roy, not wanting to be outdone by Ed (and taking advantage of the silence being presented by the boy), asked, "Why are you here, and why did you emerge from a hole?"

"I need to have Lust replace me so that mien Fürher will stop threatening to kill me for my stupidity. And the hole is a portal to the negative universe of this world."

Silence reined the room. A negative version to their world? Jeez. Just how many alternate universes of theirs are there? Not that they knew anything about our world (nervous eye shift…).

"So…" Ed finally found his courage to speak. "You mean to tell me…?"

"Yes," Chastity nodded, as if understanding Ed's question.

"And that you are…?"

Chastity nodded with a smile. "And can you get me some mashed potatoes and gravy along with the rest?"

The two boys and lone man blinked. When had Edward even mentioned anything about food? They mentally reviewed the conversation and concluded: NEVER!

"I never mentioned anything about food," Ed sent Chastity a reprimanding scowl. "I was asking about the Nega-world and if you really were Lusts opposite." He raised an imploring eyebrow. "What did you think I was asking?"

"Oh… I thought you were asking me if I wanted some Italian and if I was hungry." She sighed in the cute woe-is-me way that made Al run for his money. Chastity let a pout settle onto her face. "I'm sorry. I'm so spacey! Maybe I should go jump off a bridge! Fürher is always right! So he shouldn't be wrong about me being an embarrassment and waste of space!" She thrust her hands to her face and cried (not before the three males saw just how pretty she looked when she cries.)

Instantly Al and Roy rushed to her side to comfort her. "Ignore the mean old Ed. He's just a very bad boy who doesn't know any better," Roy patted her back and hair, using his lady killer mode to sooth the crying girl (girl? More like woman) until she calmed down.

Fist clenched, Ed growled out, "I didn't do anything. She made herself cry!"

"See what I mean? So insensitive. Maybe that's why he can never get a girlfriend."

"I could care less about girls."

Al and Roy gasped, making Ed wonder what was it he had said. He found out a second later when Roy grasped his hands and Al became teary eyed. "Don't worry I'm in full support of you!" Announced Roy.

"Mother must be crying in her grave," Alphonse cried out. "She'd be so disappointed."

Ed started. "What are you talking about?"

Roy clapped a hand onto Ed's shoulder. "Whilst I'm slightly uncomfortable at this sudden… announcement, I shall help you find the 'One.'"

"The one what?"

"The 'One' who will match your preferences. I'm sure there has to be at least one other-"

Al sobbed. "What'll dad think?"

"-gay guy in Central-"

"WHAT?"

"-It certainly is big enough… And you shouldn't scream so loud. You're scaring Miss Chastity." Said person was huddled in her chair, scared stiff at Edward's loud shout.

"I'm not gay!" Shouted Ed. It's amazing, what with all the shouting he does, that he hasn't bust a vein yet. "I just don't have the time."

Roy waged a finger and tsked. "I never have time and yet I do manage to keep atop of the game. If you are a true man, you should be able to seduce any woman in enough time that it takes to transmute. That is my goal! To win over the most toughest woman," little does Roy know that the toughest woman is Hawkeye, unfortunately, if he'd pay attention, she'd be the easiest. "And make her fall in love with me in only a few seconds!"

Ed sighed. "Can we get back to the subject on hand?"

Al agreed with fervor. "Yes, please. I'm afraid time is almost up."

"There's a subject?" Roy blinked.

Veins throbbing, Ed pointed to Chastity, who became nervous at the sudden finger being aimed straight at her. "That's the subject!"

"Oh…" Roy blinked, again, before slipping into his commanding visage. "Keep her in here for the night and we'll-"

We're sorry. Due to those blasted time constraints (as mentioned in the beginning of the chapter) we had to cut it off right there. Please join us next time as we find out the answers to the following questions: What will happen next? Is Ed really gay? What happened to the old man? And will Can finally find the right spelling for "Fürher"? Find out next time!

End Transmission

0000

I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes in regards to "Aerugo" and "Fürher". It would be most helpful if someone could tell me the spelling (I've seen too many different versions, so I'm never sure…)

My friend and I are doing a comic version to this fanfic. Once it's up, I shall put up a link for you all to see.

Questions? Comments? Complaints? Just wanna have me become your love slave? Just click on the purple button and off you go!

The Can-Can group


End file.
